Making today rich....Becoming a Better Me

I trust everyone had a great 4th of July, I know I did. I hung out with my mom and my nephew. We had a roti and went down to the park for Houston Caribfest. I didn't plan on going to the park. Spending money to get sunburned and sweaty just didn't seem appealing but my nephew wanted to go so that was that. I originally planned to just sit around and enjoy the sunshine after the many days of rain courtesy of tropical storm/depression Alex. It was a beautiful day!

The 4th also marks our move to the Houston area. Thirty years ago yesterday, my mother made the decision to leave NYC to escape an abusive relationship. She left with two small children and a suitcase a piece. No one knew where we were and it stayed that way for six months. Ultimately it was not meant to be and he wormed his way back in her mind and they, through the years violence still prevalent - are still together today. I thought a lot about this on yesterday and the only two people I could talk about it with were both unwilling and incapable of going back to that moment.

I obviously have my own feelings about this relationship as I grew up watching everything unfold. It hasn't helped my life overall and more importantly my life PERSONALLY. It has left me very jaded. I think a lot about how it has affected me and realise that being bitter just leaves me ...well.....being bitter. No one cares about the past. Everyone who has had to listen to the story, and a story I can tell,always ended up saying to me - "Get over it Mel. Its going to eat you up!" Over the years I have always said I was 'over it' and tried to move forward but some way some how, I always end up letting a thought, one sometimes 10-15 years old get the better of me. I am getting to the point where I really do want to move past it.

My girlfriend Stephanie gave me a daily meditation book for my birthday in 1997 and I recently pulled it out and starting using it again. I missed a couple of days and had a moment to pick it up earlier today. Today's meditation was, "If you are willing to deal with the past, you can make the moment you are in rich." It also goes on to say we cannot get away from our past. It also mentioned something about denial. Needless to say it made me think of all the times I have said to my self that I would deal with my feelings of anger and hate and hostility. I also think of all the things I want to accomplish and moving forward and I know deep down that nothing will change until I do.